Harry Potter and the Uneccesarily Long Title
by SatusDee
Summary: A 'serious parody'. AU! Taking the piss out of accepted conventions of fanfiction. Warning- rated for parodies of sexual situations, language, drug use, mpreg etc. etc.
1. Prologue: An Uncomfortable Feeling

**Harry Potter and The Red Dawn of the Paradoxical Destiny of the Time Warp Fluctuation of the Weave of Fate of the Grave Sisters of Doom**

**A/N: **A sort of serious parody. It has a plot…it's just…daft. _VERY_AU: it's set in the Infinite Potter-verse, my own creation, where any canonical event can be disregarded and the events of the story could be set in any book. Therefore, the character's, settings and events won't really give any clues but watch out for spoilers! Also, If you have any suggestions then please, contact me! And, yes, the title is taking the piss… (Sorry. I talk too much…)

**Disclaimer:**I am not JKRowling. Therefore the Harry Potter series does not belong to me.

**Prologue: **_An Uncomfortable Feeling_

Harry Potter started and guiltily looked up from the floor. The gloating face of Draco Malfoy told him all he needed to know but he continued to raise his gaze until it was locked with the smug glare of the Potions Master.

"So Mr. Potter thinks he's too good to listen in my class?" Snape hissed, "Well, don't blame me when you fail your exam, boy. I think I'll be merciful and let you have two weeks of detention to catch up on the work you've just missed Potter". With a final triumphant smile, Snape turned away and stalked down the rows to take up his position at the front of the class once more.

Harry looked down angrily and clenched his fist until his knuckles turned white. It wasn't his fault he wasn't listening. He just had this really weird feeling. Like something was… watching him. He shivered and then sighed, resuming his blank stare.

"I asked you a question Potter! Do you expect me to put up with this insolence twice in a row?" Snape's voice cut through the class like a dagger as Harry jerked his head up once more to meet the vindictive gaze of the Professor. He looked away and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Bollo-"

* * *

"-cks, Neville" said Luna emphatically. Neville Longbottom started and looked at Luna curiously. He was met by a blank stare and a placid smile, framed by wisps of blond hair.

"Sorry, Luna. I thought you said… I thought… I didn't quite manage to catch what you'd just said" Neville spluttered as Luna broke her normal composure and fractionally raised one eyebrow.

"I was talking about Snorkacks Neville. Daddy and I are going on another expedition to- Neville? Are you listening to me?" Luna broke off in concern; Neville's eyes were darting around the room nervously and the arm he had companionably dropped around her shoulder was slowly tightening it's grip.

"It's just that I feel like someone's watching me" he said nervously, swallowing as the unease passed through him once more. Luna shivered and leaned closer against Neville. She moistened her lips and looked up.

"There's something weird going on in the halls of-"

* * *

"- Hogwarts: A History" said Hermione in a tired voice, "How many times do I have to tell you Ron?" She looked over at the red-haired boy as his forehead creased in deep thought and sighed as a small, secretive smile tugged at her lips.

"But what if you took the wards down?" said Ron, contemplating the thought carefully. He looked at Hermione expectantly but was surprised when she didn't answer. "Hermione?" At the sound of Ron's voice she guiltily looked down and brushed an errant lock of hair behind her ear.

"Sorry Ron. I was distracted. It's just… I thought that someone…something was watching" She hugged herself and leaned back into the padded armchair. Ron frowned and then flinched suddenly. A look of fear flashed across his face before he firmly strode to the entrance of the study and-

* * *

-Closed the door before sitting down and stretching his feet out. He reached down and scratched behind Fang's ears, chuckling slightly as the boar-hound growled in pleasure. Hagrid poured himself a cup of tea and sat back, thinking about the lesson he'd just took. It had gone pretty well until Avery had jinxed himself accidentally. Hagrid sighed.

Fang's ears pricked up as something outside suddenly crashed over, breaking the silence. Momentarily forgetting the mug in his lap, Hagrid jumped up and strode to the window. A few minutes of scrutiny identified the noise as the water-butt, now lying on the floor, but what creature would venture this far from the forest? He wiped off some tea from his trousers and ran a hand through his scraggly beard in thought.

After cleaning up the mess of broken china and tea, Hagrid settled back in his favourite armchair. He looked around the room, feeling strangely uncomfortable. Fang whined. He frowned as he identified the source of worry. Hagrid pulled the curtains shut and cocked his crossbow before getting out a glass and a bottle of Odgen's Finest. Pouring himself a dram, he surveyed the hut. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched.

The glass was empty many times over by the time the clock-

* * *

Struck ten. Minerva McGonnagal, Professor of Transfiguration, Deputy-Headmistress of Hogwart's and Head of Gryffindor, looked up wearily from the marking and sighed. She leant back and drained the remnants of her coffee before leaning over and selecting a biscuit from the tartan tin situated on her desk.

Marking was so tedious. And the standard from this class was, frankly at times, atrocious. For instance, what hard-working student misinterpreted Callow's Fifth Law as relating to human transfiguration? And how hard was it to identify the differences between a charm for transfiguring a button into a beetle and another for turning a crow into a raven? In a well-practiced movement, she reached up to push her spectacles back up her arched nose.

Minerva stopped, put down her quill and looked around. She had the strangest feeling that something was watching her closely. Remembering the ever-present threat posed by the Dark Lord she shivered and decided to report to Albus in the morning. Pushing her glasses back up, she picked up the quill and leaned in, inspecting the-

* * *

Device closely. The silver globe whirled madly in it's frame, stopping every few seconds to change direction and occasionally emitting high-pitched whistles, coloured sparks and gouts of thick, black smoke. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore noted down the movements carefully and then leaned back in his chair, a grave look on his face and the twinkle in his eye gone.

He leant over to ruffle the feathers of his faithful phoenix companion and popped a Lemon Drop into his mouth. Eating the Muggle sweets always seemed to aid the elderly wizard's mind and Albus could not deny his insatiable sweet tooth an extra treat or two. A disturbing thought popped into his head.

He quickly drew his wand and cast a few hurried spells of detection but was curious when the presence he had felt moments ago seemed to retreat instantly. He popped another Lemon Drop in his mouth and racked his brain for the answer. It really could wait until morning. For now, it was time to get-

* * *

In bed, Ginny Weasley lay, peaceful in deep sleep. She smiled and hugged the pillow she was clutching closer to her chest. A shadow, deeper than the ones thrown across the room by the full moon and more threatening than the dark that lurked in the corners, poised over her. It dissipated as rapidly as it had materialised, leaving no evidence that it was ever there. Beneath the covers, a shiver ran up Ginevra Weasley's spine. A frown marred her porcelain skin and a few whispered words escaped from her now nightmare-laced sleep.

"Please. Not Harry"


	2. Chapter One: Rip, Tear

**Harry Potter and The Red Dawn of the Paradoxical Destiny of the Time Warp Fluctuation of the Weave of Fate of the Grave Sisters of Doom**

**A/N: **_VERY_ AU: it's set in the Infinite Potterverse, watch out for spoilers! Also, If you have any suggestions then please, contact me!

**Disclaimer:** I am not JKRowling. Therefore the Harry Potter series does not belong to me.

**Chapter The First:** _Rip…Tear…_

Harry balled his fists angrily and tried to peel some of the caked potion remnants from the front of his robe. To his horror, the stain started smoking, quickly leaving a sickle-sized hole in the fron tof his robe. He kneaded his temples and carried on walking. Snape's detention had been horrendous. To make matters worse, Harry had suffered a mental attack from Voldemort, just about managing to somehow ward his presence away. The feeling of possession still caused gorge to rise in his throat now. As he turned the corner his heart sunk further. Malfoy, along with Crabbe and Goyle were barricading the corridor ahead. Malfoy, sneering supremely, turned around and addressed Harry.

"So Potter. Think you can strut around the castle at all times of the night like you own the place. 10 points from Gryffindor for breaking the curfew"

Harry sighed and retorted "If the curfew is so important then why are Crabbe and Goyle here? And I've just had a detention with Snape"

If anything, Malfoy's vicious grin widened. "Ten points from Gryffindor for impertinancy to a Prefect and ten points fof impertinency to a Professor".

Harry snapped. He lunged forward, grabbed the front of his robes and thrust the tip of his wand under Malfoy's chin. The malicious sneer faltered as fear sprang up in Malfoy's eyes. "If you bother me again Malfoy" Harry bit out tersely "I will see to it that you are in the Hospital Wing for a week" He dropped him and stalked away, not even bothering to turn around when Malfoy deducted a further 15 points for 'abusing and assaulting a Prefect'.

Harry stalked his way up to the seventh floor, located the tapestry and began the ritual to summon the Room of Requirement. He breathed deeply and paced once past the door. _I need to relax._ He turned around and sighed again. _I need to relax. _On the third walk past, a sudden burst of anger surged through Harry at his life situation. _I need to… I need my life to change_ he thought furiously, cursing Snape, Malfoy and Riddle in his head for making his life a misery. A burst of white light filled the corridor and the sound of tearing rendered Harry almost deaf. He fell to the floor, his vision darkening, hopelessly thinking that he was losing all conciousness…

* * *

Ron gawped. Hermione looked dubious and Ginny just looked frightened. "You mean you blacked out and when you woke up you were back in bed?" she squeaked. Harry nodded solemnly, looking worried. Hermione frowned and opened her mouth to speak.

"Yes. To Professor Dumbledore. Am I right?" said Ron dryly. Hermione tightened her lips but could not help smiling at his cheeky grin. She stood up wordlessly and led the way to the Headmaster's office.

Once in front of the two gargoyles, the group paused. Harry began to clear his throat but started in surprise as the gargoyle jumped aside, the staircase descending smoothly. He looked around at his friends and drily commented "We're expected".

The Gryffindor's mounted the stairs and then, upon reaching the top, opened the wooden doors that led into Dumbledore's office. Inside was gathered a small group. Professor McGonnagal peered at them over her glasses and Hagrid dwarfed Neville and Luna in the far corner.

Dumbledore smiled and looked over his glasses, his ice blue eyes twinkling mischeviously as he arched his hands beneath his chin.

"I believe you have something to tell me".

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was puzzled. Albus Dumbledore was puzzled for the first time in over twenty years and he did not like it. After listening to the accounts of Minerva, Rubeus, Ms. Lovegood and Mr. Longbottom, and adding it to his own personal experience, he was thoroughly befuddled by what this mysterious creature could be. Ms. Granger and Mr. Weasley's story strengthened his conviction that he was dealing with the unknown or the very, very ancient.

But the story of Harry's experience unnerved him. For once in his life, Dumbledore wasn't quite sure what he was dealing with. Something evil from what it sounded like. When Miss Weasley pulled him aside and confided her nightmare with him, he made a resolution.

"To the Room of Requirements" he intoned, before distracting himself "Or the Come-and-Go room as I believe the elves have titled it…"

* * *

All nine people gathered outside of the Room on the seventh corridor, nervously tugging at their beard, twisting the material of their robes or constantly readjusting their glasses. Harry stepped forward and began pacing before stopping abruptly, an alarmed look on his face.

"What is it Harry?" asked Dumbledore in a concerned tone.

"I haven't even thought of what I want the room to do and the door's appeared". Harry gestured wildly. Eight pairs of eyes followed the gesture, vainly looking for the portal Harry described. Eight pairs of eyes saw nothing but blank stone.

"Riiight" said Ron, leaning over to Hermione and whispering not-so-subtly "I think he's lost it 'Mione" Everyone turned to glare at him. He reddened.

"No seriously" Harry insisted "I can just reach in and touch the-" Not finishing the sentence and in a flash of blinding light, Harry had gone.

* * *

After a harrowing ten minutes, in which Dumbledore, McGonnagal and Hermione had tried various spells, Ginny had almost burst into tears, Neville and Ron stood blankly in shock, Luna blamed everything on the Nargles and Hagrid had gone nearly as far as to summon Dobby, a thin web of light materialised in the wall before quickly solidifying to become a heavy mahogany door.

The door opened to reveal a very worried looking Harry Potter.

"You guys had better come and see this. It's…well it's something different. That's what worries me"


	3. Chapter Two: Star Crossed Lovers

**Harry Potter and The Red Dawn of the Paradoxical Destiny of the Time Warp Fluctuation of the Weave of Fate of the Grave Sisters of Doom**

**A/N: **_VERY_ AU: it's set in the Infinite Potterverse, watch out for spoilers! Also, If you have any suggestions then please, contact me! WARNING: Slash pairing in this chapter. Don't flame, I hate it too! (Please don't bombard me with messages if you love it, 'cause that's just as bad. If not worse)

**Disclaimer:** I am not JKRowling. Therefore the Harry Potter series does not belong to me.

**Chapter The Second:** _Star-Crossed Lovers_

Inside the Room of Requirement, the silence was…deafening. The room itself was pure white and completely barren apart from a desk, on top of which was something not ordinarily seen in the magical world. They all stood and stared in wonder, only Harry looking worried.

"It's a computer" said Hermione, sounding strangely distant. Everyone turned to look at her. She went red and only managed to choke out "Computer… no power… Hogwarts: A History" before indignation took over completely. Dumbledore took sympathy on her and explained about the convenient magical power source that had been substituted for electricity in this device that produced clean energy through tapping the magical power of a spacial rift, thus destroying one of the major plot-points of the series. Hermione calmed down, her frustration replaced by scholarly delight.

"It's not the computer that worries me," Harry croaked "Just read what's on it". Crowding round the desk, the group focused on the passage that sat on the screen. Ron poked the round white thing with the string attatched to it and leapt back in fright as a loud 'pinging' noise emitted from the box on the top of the desk. Hermione sighed, nudged him out of the way, clicked a few buttons and started reading…

* * *

Harry was angst feeling. He got up and went downstairs because he was freeling hungry. He ate lots of food and bangers and mash and treacle tart hisfavourite: Then he looked up, his heart pounding in his chest. His emerald gaze locked with a matching cerulean pair. Ernie sat down and took Harry's hand tenderly.

"Harry" he intoned melodiously "Will you be my boyfriend?" Harry's stomach leapt up into his mouth and did a sombersault. He gulped and placed his other hand on top of the hand of Ernie.

"Of course I will, Ernie my love!" Harry embraced Ernie and they leant forward into each other, their lips slowly meet…

* * *

"Arrgh! That's disgusting" said Ron, his face a sickly shade of green "What kind of sicko would write that sort of filth?" Luna looked thoughtful until she became aware that everyone was staring at her.

"It's possible".

Harry retched.

* * *

Some time later, Hermione, Dumbledore and McGonnagal had finished analysing the passage of text. By this time, Harry had been escorted away, shivering, to have a stiff dram of firewhiskey to help with the shock, much to McGonnagal's chagrin.

Hermione put her hand on her chin and cleared her throat.

"So in summary we can tell that this is badly written or written by a seven-year old, it features a weird pairing that no-one would ever even consider and it also seems to be the source of an inter-dimensional rift in the space-time continuum, possible the source of the ultimate destruction of the universe."

Dumbledore nodded solemnly and was about to promise to look into the subject more when a blood-curdling shriek split the silence. McGonnagal and Hermione leaped up and ran to the door. Dumbledore sat there for a moment longer, sighed, rolled his eyes and went out to deal with the latest weirdness that the school regularly supplied him with.

* * *

Outside the Room of Requirement, Ginny, Ron, Neville and Luna were trying to restrain a gibbering Harry. Dumbledore walked up to him and, with some concern, noticed his pallor and the profuse twitching of the limbs. Harry's eyes rolled in his direction and he opened his mouth to speak (a somewhat futile effort as his tongue immediately got in the way).

"JustkeephimawayfrommeIdon'twannabegaaaaaayyyy…" Harry said, the sentence finishing in a plaintive moan. Just then, a high pitched noise came drifting around the corner.

"Coooeeeeee!"

Harry went limp and then sprang up to run in the opposite direction, swiftly becoming a blur. Hermione, Ron, Neville, Ginny and Luna all sprinted after him until they were all out of sight.

Ernie MacMillan emerged from round the corner wearing an angelic expression and a rather flamboyant shirt under his embroidered robes. His curly locks framed a face that was rather worrying due to the addition of mascara and what appeared to be some sort of lip-gloss.

"Have you seen my darling Harry?" he twittered, pouting at both professors.

Dumbledore frowned, considered the flowery pink apparation in front of him and turned to his esteemed colleague.

"Minerva," he intoned gravely "It seem's we have a complication"

* * *

Later that evening, the group gathered in the Headmaster's office once more, Ernie severely restrained to stop him from pouncing on the prostate form of Harry, who, after too much Firewhiskey, had collapsed in a stupor.

The clock struck six o'clock and all of a sudden a change seemed to over-take Ernie. He stopped struggling with his bonds and a fearful look replaced his look of adoration. He looked down at his lacy collar and then sneezed as the heady aftershave he was sporting assaulted his nostrils. He whimpered and looked around the room. Upon settling his eyes on Harry he moaned and turned to Dumbledore.

"I don't wanna get laid with Harry" he wailed pathetically.

* * *

Several hours of interrogation later, Dumbledore was finally ready to let a thoroughly traumatised MacMillan return to his common room. He sat in thought and considered the reasons for this odd piece of magic. The text on the computer screen had become reality, a powerful and most sinister spell. Perhaps Harry had caused the rift. If only they could find a way to close it then Dumbledore could properly study the properties of the magical device but it was firmly tied to the rift at that present moment.

Suddenly, Harry lurched into an upright position and got to his feet a little unsteadily and staggered to the door.

"Harry?" inquired a quavering Neville, before noticing that his eyelids stayed firmly shut.

"Follow that-" boomed Hagrid before he was shushed by seven other people. "Sorry 'bout that" he muttered sheepishly before whispering "Follow tha' Potter!"

"So," said Dumbledore, stroking his beard in quiet contemplation, "The mystery deepens"


End file.
